May 13, 2014 - Mother's Day was awesome!

My Mother's Day was amazing! What a difference a year makes...I was so thankful for a healthy baby boy to share it with, and to visit my angel daughter. Steven will be 8 months old tomorrow too! I expected to feel some sadness even with only one child to share it with, but surprisingly I felt so joyful all day. I know Kassidy was with us and wanted me to enjoy it.


I am now an auntie to a NEPHEW as well, Little Ehan was born on May 10th, weighing just 6lbs! Now Steven has two cousins: Samantha and Ehan!
 

April 15, 2014 - Mother's Day is Approaching!

Mother's Day...it is right around the corner. I am SO excited about it this year. Last year, I was grieving Kassidy while pregnant with Steven. I saw people handing Mother's Day cards to other women and not acknowledging I was also a mother. I can't tell you how much I cried that day. But now, 2014 will be different. I have my sweet baby boy!

Yesterday, Steven got a picture with the Easter bunny!



He was so good, didn't cry at all! He is now 7 months. He loves when I sing to him,  being outside and going on walks. We are hoping to encourage crawling over the coming weeks.

We are gearing up to move into our new house in about a week and a half. We look forward to getting settled and staying there for a LONG time.

 Life is good! God is good!

March 18, 2014 - Out of Nowhere

I'll admit, some days are easier than others. There are times I go months without crying about Kassidy, but this past week I have felt emotionally overwhelmed. I've cried every day this week missing her, looking at her pictures, visiting her grave, talking to her. And then we finally received her baptismal certificate. The certificate itself didn't make me upset, but rather the letter from the priest that was enclosed. It was a generic letter that is given to the recipient, highlighting the importance of baptism, etc. The last paragraph tells parents to keep it in a safe place as the child will need it for other sacraments...confirmation, marriage...and then I was reminded that my daughter would never get to do those things.

On a lighter note, our rainbow baby Steven is now 6 months old! He is sitting up, rolling over and developing his own little personality. He enjoys watching our dogs walk around the house and petting them...he spends most of the day scooting around in his walker and loves being outdoors. Here he is with his cousin, Samantha!

February 16, 2014 - Fear Conquered

I told my mom recently that when Steven was first born, I felt like it was 90% work and 10% fun, due to an overly fussy baby and suffering postpartum depression. Now, he is 5 months old and I can say it now seems like 90% fun and 10% work. Life has gotten progressively easier, and thinking about Kassidy brings me 90% happiness and 10% sadness. I choose to look at my memories with her, carrying her and enjoying her kicks, keeping her ultrasound pictures in a photo album, and eventually passing down some of her clothing to our future daughters. I would never say that the pain goes away, it doesn't...but Kassidy is watching over me and helping me to reach my own kind of normal.

A few weeks ago I attended a baby shower- for a GIRL. It didn't hit me until half way through the festivities that I would be watching the mommy-to-be open pink gifts and seeing frilly socks and purple blankets. It was like I got a glimpse of what it would have been like to have a girl baby shower to celebrate my daughter. It held back tears and tried to distract myself. I cried when I told me husband about my feelings later that afternoon. Fast forward to February 8th, baby Olivia was born. Again, without thinking about what I was doing, I held her. I held a GIRL for the first time since Kassidy. I had only ever held Steven since Kassidy. I surprisingly felt...okay. It was easier than I anticipated, and I had overcome an internal fear at the same time!

I will be an aunt in the next few weeks...to a niece, yes, another girl. I am very excited to be an aunt and to spoil baby Samantha (and my nephew Ehan due in May). Life is still moving forward...

I received our Kassidy Bear from Molly Bears this past week. I had waited over 14 months for this bear that weighs exactly what Kassidy weighed - 2lbs 11oz.

Coming up in our lives...buying a new home. This should keep me busy, if baby Steven wasn't already :)

January 11, 2014 - On My Mind

I've been thinking about Kassidy a lot lately. I had family here visiting recently and I brought out all of Kassidy's pictures to show them...it brought back a lot of memories as well, some I hadn't realized I had tucked away in my mind. I recall when Stevie baptized her, it was the first time we were left alone in the hospital room as a family of 3, and it was quick - but beautiful. The holy water fell down her cheek resembling a tear. I burst out into my own tears of sadness for her life. I also recall those first few days at home without her, recovering from a birth, but empty handed as I lay in bed. Two days after her passing, I drove myself to Walgreens to buy sleeping medicine and to pick up some pictures I had developed of her. Even looking at her pictures then, it seemed unreal what had just happened to us. Even now it seems like a bad dream.

Now, 14 months have passed. I see women on my online support group whose unborn babies have recently been diagnosed with anencephaly and they are begging for help. I was her. A new emotion surfaces for them: jealousy. Why am I jealous of them? They are hurting and confused. I am now healing and grieving. Perhaps I am jealous that they are still carrying their angel, and that I am not. Maybe that they still have several weeks or maybe months with their child, but my time has run out. Grief is so unfair. It strikes you out of the blue.

My rainbow baby, Steven, is as healthy as I would have ever wished for. He brings me happiness and laughter, he is perfect. In fact, tomorrow it will exactly one year since I found out I was pregnant with him!
Here we are on Christmas visiting big sister: (he is 3 1/2 months old in this picture)

We are praying for a great year - we are looking to buy a house (we've been in a rental since July). Perhaps God will bless us with another rainbow, we will see. 

November 22, 2013 - Life with a baby, after losing a baby

Baby Steven (a.k.a. Little Stevie) is such a blessing. As I've gotten the hang of things with him over the past 2 months, I am reminded what is important in life. I am grateful to have a husband that works hard so I can stay home with this little hunk of love all day. Everything he does is amazing, and when I notice him do something new for the first time, I get so excited!
Steven's first Thanksgiving is next week, and then Christmas! Yesterday we bought him a blue stocking that reads "Baby's First Christmas." It is hanging right next to Kassidy's stocking (Santa fills hers with items we take to the cemetery, garden decor and stuffed animals).
This time last year, I was sad at the holidays because I knew Kassidy should be with us. This year is completely different. I feel happy and know Kassidy is the reason I can be happy now - she looked after us so that we had a healthy baby this year. 2012 and 2013 are polar opposites. I wonder what 2014 will bring!

 

November 5, 2013 - Kassidy's 1st Birthday!

First of all, wow- today was terribly difficult to go through. It felt like I relived her birth and passing all over again. I woke up to messages from friends wishing Kassidy a Happy Birthday and pictures of candles they had lit in her honor.

Last night, I made a cake for her. Making a cake for her made me feel like I was doing something in her memory that I could share with my family. Buying a cake would not have had the same "healing" effect on me as this would have. We met family at the cemetery at 4:00 to have a little birthday "party" for Kassidy. I decorated her headstone with different pink items, a picture of baby Steven, and a cross I had painted and decorated for her the day before. Of course, we brought balloons to release at 4:16pm (the time she was born). We had markers and few family members wrote messages to her on the balloons. At 4:16pm, I handed out the balloons to my family and we all counted down "3, 2, 1" and let them go. I watched at they floated and disappeared.

I can't believe it's been 365 days. I counted last night and found that the days between the the moment I found out I was pregnant until her birthday was 211. It seems like nothing. I sure do look forward to spending eternity with her one day.