January 11, 2014 - On My Mind

I've been thinking about Kassidy a lot lately. I had family here visiting recently and I brought out all of Kassidy's pictures to show them...it brought back a lot of memories as well, some I hadn't realized I had tucked away in my mind. I recall when Stevie baptized her, it was the first time we were left alone in the hospital room as a family of 3, and it was quick - but beautiful. The holy water fell down her cheek resembling a tear. I burst out into my own tears of sadness for her life. I also recall those first few days at home without her, recovering from a birth, but empty handed as I lay in bed. Two days after her passing, I drove myself to Walgreens to buy sleeping medicine and to pick up some pictures I had developed of her. Even looking at her pictures then, it seemed unreal what had just happened to us. Even now it seems like a bad dream.

Now, 14 months have passed. I see women on my online support group whose unborn babies have recently been diagnosed with anencephaly and they are begging for help. I was her. A new emotion surfaces for them: jealousy. Why am I jealous of them? They are hurting and confused. I am now healing and grieving. Perhaps I am jealous that they are still carrying their angel, and that I am not. Maybe that they still have several weeks or maybe months with their child, but my time has run out. Grief is so unfair. It strikes you out of the blue.

My rainbow baby, Steven, is as healthy as I would have ever wished for. He brings me happiness and laughter, he is perfect. In fact, tomorrow it will exactly one year since I found out I was pregnant with him!
Here we are on Christmas visiting big sister: (he is 3 1/2 months old in this picture)

We are praying for a great year - we are looking to buy a house (we've been in a rental since July). Perhaps God will bless us with another rainbow, we will see.