December 5, 2014 - Holidays & awaiting Beau's arrival!

Christmas is just around the corner and I find myself getting so excited for Steven to make his first childhood memories. He finds and points at the Elf on the Shelf (ours is named Hermey), pulls ornaments off the tree and places them in a different spot and will also look out of the car window to see Christmas light decorations. Just a few days ago, he visited Santa...it didn't go as well as last year, haha!


Steven is almost 15 months old now. He says more and more words each day, but the most frequent ones we hear are "Mama, Dada, Ball, Bite, Dog, Mmm (meaning 'Moo')" He will tap on the pantry door when he wants snacks, crawl through the dog door when he wants to go outside, and loves to make messes for mommy!

  

Beau is due in 75 days! It's hard to believe we are 3/4 of the way done with the pregnancy, but I feel much more excited about having a baby this time around. When I was pregnant with Steven, I had never experienced a "good outcome" birth or taken a baby home. Now that I've gone through a year with a baby and have proven to myself that it IS possible to be happy after loss, I am SO excited for Beau to arrive! My pregnancy with Steven was full of worry, this pregnancy has been full of joy. We are adding some finishing touches to Beau's nursery nowadays and organizing his clothes. I have a baby shower next month with my sister-in-law who is also expecting a boy 5 days after me!

I dearly miss Kassidy around the holidays. Since her passing was in November, I was still very much in the worst stage of grief around the time I wanted her closest. I do feel that she watches over us daily and that Steven and Beau wouldn't be here without her existence. A few days ago Stevie and I set up  a solar Christmas tree for her at her grave. It has purple and blue ornaments and stands about 2 feet tall, I'm so glad we can leave something beautiful for her.

November 5, 2014 - Happy 2nd Birthday Kassidy

My daughter. My only girl. My first baby. You were my sweetest hello and my hardest goodbye. Reflecting on my pregnancy with you and your birth brings me such bittersweet emotions even two years later. The pain of loss is just as strong, although as days pass I find myself distracted by how life has seemed to continue. I sit here with my 13 month old son napping nearby and my pregnant belly full of kicks by a new son arriving in 15 weeks. How can I be so happy today but so sad about yesterday?

For the first time in months I brought out your box of things. One glance and I began crying - your blankets you were wrapped in sat in sight. The proof you were there, your blood still stains them but your baby smell is gone. I remember your purple lips, your soft skin and that you had your daddy's feet. TWO YEARS. How is it possible it has been this long?

Whenever I pray, I always thank God for you. I thank Him that I was blessed with the daughter I always wanted, that I had a chance to hold you as a baby and not lose you as a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I have pictures of you. You have watched over your daddy and me as we have been blessed with two of your brothers...many more to come I am sure. Not a day goes by that I do not miss you, I will never forget you.

{ To celebrate Kassidy's birthday, we are releasing balloons at 4:16pm, the time she was born, and sharing cake with family at the cemetery. If you cannot attend, please light a candle for Kassidy }

 Little brother Steven, 13 months old
 Little brother Beau, due February 18, 2015

September 22, 2014 - Another Rainbow BOY!

We are so excited to announce that we are expecting another BOY! Baby Beau Martin Johnston is growing right on track and weighing in at 9 ounces. He is showing to be perfectly healthy according to my 2nd level ultrasounds at the specialist. Stevie, Steven and I are thrilled! I am almost 19 weeks along with Beau and am happy that my boys will be just 17 months apart.

Another happy announcement: Steven turned 1 year old! We celebrated on September 20th with a party at our house. Steven enjoyed opening his presents and digging into his very own cake. As I reflect on the past year, transitioning from a grief-stricken mother to caring for a rainbow baby who has very much healed my heart, I can't believe the life God has blessed us with. God has a plan for us, and as we see His work in our lives, I am so excited to see what will happen next!

July 11, 2014 - Another Rainbow Baby!!!

I've been meaning to post an update for a few weeks now, and I'm finally sitting down to announce that we are expecting another rainbow baby! Steven will be a big brother and Kassidy is surely looking after us again. We've had 2 ultrasounds so far and the baby is growing right on a track with a healthy heart rate of 171. The first trimester, for me, is always very stressful. I don't have the relief of seeing that my baby has a round head quite yet. In addition, Dr. Connors is out on her own maternity leave. She was such a comfort during our journey with Kassidy and also calmed my nerves during my pregnancy with Steven. Going through the fearful first trimester without her is harder than I expected. The doctors I've seen so far don't seem to have a grasp on how I'm used to going about things...such as blood tests to check HCG/progesterone and regular ultrasounds in the beginning to give me peace of mind that a miscarriage is off the table, etc. I still fear a miscarriage since my first pregnancy resulted in one. I'm told Dr. Connors will return in the fall, so I just pray and spend time reflecting on how grateful I am that I have another baby on the way. I have also been thinking about Kassidy a lot. Some nights I just sit in bed awake and remember what it felt like to get her diagnosis, plus what it felt like to hold her for 21 hours. My symptoms this time around have been nearly identical to what I felt with Kassidy...which makes me think 2 things: 1) I suspect we are having a girl and 2) it makes me scared for defects.



On August 6th we have an appointment with the specialist (the same doctor we saw for Kassidy's official diagnosis and also for good news that Steven was healthy). At that appointment they will be able to see if this baby is okay, plus screen for several other defects. Only 26 days to go....not that I am counting. I'm taking my prescribed 4mg folic acid, PLUS a regular prental and since my progesterone is a bit low, Prometrium (although I can stop taking that in 6 days).

Nowadays, Steven keeps me busy. He will be 10 months old in a few days, and loves to walk assisted. He will cruise around our furniture all day long....however he doesn't seem interested in crawling whatsoever. He loves orange juice, graham crackers and peanut butter - like Daddy. He also enjoys the pool and the snowman Olaf from Frozen. We've been going to the library for story time for a few weeks now, and he will clap and steal the show when we sing songs. He's turning into quite the explorer. With his birthday coming up in just 2 months, it gets me excited to plan a little party and cake for him.
 

May 13, 2014 - Mother's Day was awesome!

My Mother's Day was amazing! What a difference a year makes...I was so thankful for a healthy baby boy to share it with, and to visit my angel daughter. Steven will be 8 months old tomorrow too! I expected to feel some sadness even with only one child to share it with, but surprisingly I felt so joyful all day. I know Kassidy was with us and wanted me to enjoy it.


I am now an auntie to a NEPHEW as well, Little Ehan was born on May 10th, weighing just 6lbs! Now Steven has two cousins: Samantha and Ehan!
 

April 15, 2014 - Mother's Day is Approaching!

Mother's Day...it is right around the corner. I am SO excited about it this year. Last year, I was grieving Kassidy while pregnant with Steven. I saw people handing Mother's Day cards to other women and not acknowledging I was also a mother. I can't tell you how much I cried that day. But now, 2014 will be different. I have my sweet baby boy!

Yesterday, Steven got a picture with the Easter bunny!



He was so good, didn't cry at all! He is now 7 months. He loves when I sing to him,  being outside and going on walks. We are hoping to encourage crawling over the coming weeks.

We are gearing up to move into our new house in about a week and a half. We look forward to getting settled and staying there for a LONG time.

 Life is good! God is good!

March 18, 2014 - Out of Nowhere

I'll admit, some days are easier than others. There are times I go months without crying about Kassidy, but this past week I have felt emotionally overwhelmed. I've cried every day this week missing her, looking at her pictures, visiting her grave, talking to her. And then we finally received her baptismal certificate. The certificate itself didn't make me upset, but rather the letter from the priest that was enclosed. It was a generic letter that is given to the recipient, highlighting the importance of baptism, etc. The last paragraph tells parents to keep it in a safe place as the child will need it for other sacraments...confirmation, marriage...and then I was reminded that my daughter would never get to do those things.

On a lighter note, our rainbow baby Steven is now 6 months old! He is sitting up, rolling over and developing his own little personality. He enjoys watching our dogs walk around the house and petting them...he spends most of the day scooting around in his walker and loves being outdoors. Here he is with his cousin, Samantha!

February 16, 2014 - Fear Conquered

I told my mom recently that when Steven was first born, I felt like it was 90% work and 10% fun, due to an overly fussy baby and suffering postpartum depression. Now, he is 5 months old and I can say it now seems like 90% fun and 10% work. Life has gotten progressively easier, and thinking about Kassidy brings me 90% happiness and 10% sadness. I choose to look at my memories with her, carrying her and enjoying her kicks, keeping her ultrasound pictures in a photo album, and eventually passing down some of her clothing to our future daughters. I would never say that the pain goes away, it doesn't...but Kassidy is watching over me and helping me to reach my own kind of normal.

A few weeks ago I attended a baby shower- for a GIRL. It didn't hit me until half way through the festivities that I would be watching the mommy-to-be open pink gifts and seeing frilly socks and purple blankets. It was like I got a glimpse of what it would have been like to have a girl baby shower to celebrate my daughter. It held back tears and tried to distract myself. I cried when I told me husband about my feelings later that afternoon. Fast forward to February 8th, baby Olivia was born. Again, without thinking about what I was doing, I held her. I held a GIRL for the first time since Kassidy. I had only ever held Steven since Kassidy. I surprisingly felt...okay. It was easier than I anticipated, and I had overcome an internal fear at the same time!

I will be an aunt in the next few weeks...to a niece, yes, another girl. I am very excited to be an aunt and to spoil baby Samantha (and my nephew Ehan due in May). Life is still moving forward...

I received our Kassidy Bear from Molly Bears this past week. I had waited over 14 months for this bear that weighs exactly what Kassidy weighed - 2lbs 11oz.

Coming up in our lives...buying a new home. This should keep me busy, if baby Steven wasn't already :)

January 11, 2014 - On My Mind

I've been thinking about Kassidy a lot lately. I had family here visiting recently and I brought out all of Kassidy's pictures to show them...it brought back a lot of memories as well, some I hadn't realized I had tucked away in my mind. I recall when Stevie baptized her, it was the first time we were left alone in the hospital room as a family of 3, and it was quick - but beautiful. The holy water fell down her cheek resembling a tear. I burst out into my own tears of sadness for her life. I also recall those first few days at home without her, recovering from a birth, but empty handed as I lay in bed. Two days after her passing, I drove myself to Walgreens to buy sleeping medicine and to pick up some pictures I had developed of her. Even looking at her pictures then, it seemed unreal what had just happened to us. Even now it seems like a bad dream.

Now, 14 months have passed. I see women on my online support group whose unborn babies have recently been diagnosed with anencephaly and they are begging for help. I was her. A new emotion surfaces for them: jealousy. Why am I jealous of them? They are hurting and confused. I am now healing and grieving. Perhaps I am jealous that they are still carrying their angel, and that I am not. Maybe that they still have several weeks or maybe months with their child, but my time has run out. Grief is so unfair. It strikes you out of the blue.

My rainbow baby, Steven, is as healthy as I would have ever wished for. He brings me happiness and laughter, he is perfect. In fact, tomorrow it will exactly one year since I found out I was pregnant with him!
Here we are on Christmas visiting big sister: (he is 3 1/2 months old in this picture)

We are praying for a great year - we are looking to buy a house (we've been in a rental since July). Perhaps God will bless us with another rainbow, we will see.