November 5, 2015 - Happy 3rd Birthday Kassidy!

It seems impossible for it to be three years already.
I carried you for 34 weeks, until God called you home and  I held your body in my arms.
You had perfect lips, designed for saying your first words. You had perfect hands, molded for holding ours as we would swing you. You had perfect feet, meant to be walked down the aisle by your father one day. Instead, we held you for 21 hours. Family and close friends visited, we prayed, and the next day I left the hospital empty handed.

Kassidy, although your time on earth with us was too short, we love and appreciate your presence in our lives. We've learned so much about life and death, what is important and what has little meaning in the big picture. We love you.

October 26, 2015 - Countdown to Kassidy's Birthday

Just a short 10 days to go until Kassidy's 3rd birthday. I have been up and down the past few weeks as I reflect on my time with her. I'm going to change up the tone for this blog post and share some exerts from my journal I kept when I was pregnant with her, and had recently found out about her fatal anencephaly:

June 5, 2012 (before we knew she had anencephaly)
"12 week appointment today. Found problem with baby, referred to a specialist. Had ultrasound. They said baby has omphalocele. Also mentioned head is abnormal."

June 8, 2012 (day we found out diagnosis)
"Appointment showed baby's skull didn't develop. Baby will not survive. I feel crushed, disappointed, and sad. Family being very supportive."

June 9, 2012 (day after diagnosis, shared information beyond just family)
"Hardly sleeping, hardly eating, feel sick all the time. Sad, feeling sorry for myself. Very scared."

June 10, 2012
"Today I began feeling angry. Angry that it happened to me."

June 18, 2012
"Since finding out, I hate my job. I hate being around people. I hate seeing babies there. I hate my tasks. Everything seems meaningless in the big picture."

June 27, 2012
"It's a girl! I love her so much, I saw her moving on the ultrasound. Doctor says I probably won't make it to my 3rd trimester. Baby girl was 2 weeks behind in measurement. I'm feeling accepting and thankful for this baby."

June 29, 2012
"Today we decided to name her Kassidy Briana."

July 4, 2012
"Each day I feel more and more anxious to meet my little girl. I know in my heart that she feels our love and I'm glad she will go peacefully with God."

July 11, 2012
"I got a doppler today. Found her heartrate between 148-155. My sweet little angel is okay."

July 13, 2012
"I'm going through a jealousy phase of people who have healthy pregnancies and children. Why don't we get to keep our daughter?"

July 20, 2012
"Today I bought Kassidy a pink dress to wear in her pictures. It's beautiful."

September 26, 2013 - Busy, but Happy!

Hello friends,
Just stopping in to post some pictures of our sweet family. We are basking in the busy family life. Our house is always covered in toys, our car is littered with fruit loops, and the boys always have messy faces...but we are happy and healthy!














What's new with us? Steven just turned 2 years old!!!!! Tomorrow, Beau will be 7 months. They are beginning to really play with each other and entertain themselves. Steven loves dinosaurs and cars, Beau loves chewing...on...everything. He just got his first 2 teeth! We've been stuck in party mode recently because 3 of Big Stevie's brothers are getting married within 3 months.
I've been wrapping up my house decorating efforts (I've been in a decorating phase for a few months) and moving on to just house maintenance. Having kids is way messier than I would have ever imagined. Laundry is never done. Especially because I have two in cloth diapers!

Luckily, I am still able to reach out and help other anencephaly mothers with this blog. I was shocked just now to read the stats on my blog that over 33,000 people have viewed it. Even today, I had some viewers from Alaska...how funny! Kassidy's 3rd birthday is in a little over a month. How is that even possible? I was just holding her!

God bless!

August 9, 2015 - Heart for a Daughter

Hello Friends, Life as a mom of 2 boys has surely kept me busy and far from blogging, but I am back and ready to update you all.


Steven will be TWO years old next month! He enjoys playing outdoors, "ROAR"ing with his dinosaurs and pushing around his little cars. As of late, he has gotten freakishly good at putting together puzzles. He is my strong-willed child, stubborn and every bit the typical 2 year old. He loves snacking on fruit snacks and riding along in a wagon or a laundry basket as I push him around the house. Anything Disney makes this kid happy.

 

Beau is now 5 months old! He sits up on his own, is loving baby food and grabbing his toes. He is a mama's boy for sure, if he sees me, he wants me to hold him. I've been blessed with an easy baby finally who sleeps through the night, eats well, and will deliver a smile with no effort from me to bring it out.

I've recently joined the YMCA where I've been working out consistently for the first time in my life! It gives me a break from the boys (and vice versa). Physically, I am feeling great! I enjoy being a stay at home mom and without the amazing support and help from Big Stevie, I wouldn't have achieved this blessed life. At church this morning, I went through my prayers after the Eucharist. "Thank you for my husband- he is such a hard worker and loving father to our children. Thank you for my beautiful three babies, especially Kassidy, whom I am still honored to be her mother and carried her for 34 priceless weeks. I am truly loved by you to be chosen as her mother." I mean this prayer, I say it every week!

My heart aches for a girl. Some day, I know we will have a girl. In His time - so I will patiently wait for her. Kassidy will never be replaced, she is her own unique person and already has a spot in my heart forever, and more importantly, a spot in Heaven. Her 3rd birthday is in a few months. I can't believe it. I don't know what went quicker- my pregnancy with her or this time after her.

My mom sent me an article a few weeks ago that discussed how to write a book. From the beginning, I wanted to write a book about Kassidy. There is only one short book about an anencephalic baby, to my knowledge, so I feel like there is a big enough audience if I want to write a chapter book. Reading the tips in the article about how to get started really inspired me. I do feel like a book of mine will be published one day, maybe not in the next 5 years, but maybe 10? 15? Either way, as long as it happens, I know it's my calling.

Life is good, God is good. Kassidy is still very much alive in my heart. When her brothers get big enough to understand, it will be nice to teach them that Heaven is wonderful and that she is watching over them every day!

March 20, 2015 - Introducing...Beau!

Our second rainbow baby boy, Beau Martin, arrived on February 27, 2015 at 8:05am! He was 8lbs 8oz and 20 inches. He surprised us all by being born 9 days after his due date, yet being smaller than big brother Steven was (8lbs 15oz) at 1 week early.

 

The family is adjusting well and every day Steven warms up to him a little bit more. Big sister Kassidy is watching over us once again, as Beau is as healthy as can be and a happy baby that smiles often.

 

January 9, 2015 - Relying on Him

Lately I find myself reflecting on my experience with Kassidy and how it changed me as a person. Receiving her diagnosis and carrying her an additional 5 months knowing her life would end was -and still is- the most difficult thing I have ever done. Did it really happen to me? I felt so desperate that summer as I did nothing but pray. I couldn't do anything else. I recall that I never asked God to save her or heal her. I just prayed for her. In tragic situations, that's all we can do. It's been two years since we lost her. I am 34 weeks pregnant with my second healthy son! Now that I have had time to grieve and to enjoy Steven (who is almost 16 months old), I continue to feel that God chose us for this path. We were meant to lose a daughter, and that's okay. I know in my heart that He has a plan. I trust in His plan! And I will see Kassidy again one day!!!

I always felt that when my daughter died, a part of me died with her. Only recently have I realized that when she was born, a part of me was born too! I am much closer to God, much more trusting and I know when my strength fails, He is there.

I pray that my delivery with Beau goes smooth, both God and Kassidy will be watching over our little family.