August 9, 2015 - Heart for a Daughter

Hello Friends, Life as a mom of 2 boys has surely kept me busy and far from blogging, but I am back and ready to update you all.


Steven will be TWO years old next month! He enjoys playing outdoors, "ROAR"ing with his dinosaurs and pushing around his little cars. As of late, he has gotten freakishly good at putting together puzzles. He is my strong-willed child, stubborn and every bit the typical 2 year old. He loves snacking on fruit snacks and riding along in a wagon or a laundry basket as I push him around the house. Anything Disney makes this kid happy.

 

Beau is now 5 months old! He sits up on his own, is loving baby food and grabbing his toes. He is a mama's boy for sure, if he sees me, he wants me to hold him. I've been blessed with an easy baby finally who sleeps through the night, eats well, and will deliver a smile with no effort from me to bring it out.

I've recently joined the YMCA where I've been working out consistently for the first time in my life! It gives me a break from the boys (and vice versa). Physically, I am feeling great! I enjoy being a stay at home mom and without the amazing support and help from Big Stevie, I wouldn't have achieved this blessed life. At church this morning, I went through my prayers after the Eucharist. "Thank you for my husband- he is such a hard worker and loving father to our children. Thank you for my beautiful three babies, especially Kassidy, whom I am still honored to be her mother and carried her for 34 priceless weeks. I am truly loved by you to be chosen as her mother." I mean this prayer, I say it every week!

My heart aches for a girl. Some day, I know we will have a girl. In His time - so I will patiently wait for her. Kassidy will never be replaced, she is her own unique person and already has a spot in my heart forever, and more importantly, a spot in Heaven. Her 3rd birthday is in a few months. I can't believe it. I don't know what went quicker- my pregnancy with her or this time after her.

My mom sent me an article a few weeks ago that discussed how to write a book. From the beginning, I wanted to write a book about Kassidy. There is only one short book about an anencephalic baby, to my knowledge, so I feel like there is a big enough audience if I want to write a chapter book. Reading the tips in the article about how to get started really inspired me. I do feel like a book of mine will be published one day, maybe not in the next 5 years, but maybe 10? 15? Either way, as long as it happens, I know it's my calling.

Life is good, God is good. Kassidy is still very much alive in my heart. When her brothers get big enough to understand, it will be nice to teach them that Heaven is wonderful and that she is watching over them every day!

March 20, 2015 - Introducing...Beau!

Our second rainbow baby boy, Beau Martin, arrived on February 27, 2015 at 8:05am! He was 8lbs 8oz and 20 inches. He surprised us all by being born 9 days after his due date, yet being smaller than big brother Steven was (8lbs 15oz) at 1 week early.

 

The family is adjusting well and every day Steven warms up to him a little bit more. Big sister Kassidy is watching over us once again, as Beau is as healthy as can be and a happy baby that smiles often.

 

January 9, 2015 - Relying on Him

Lately I find myself reflecting on my experience with Kassidy and how it changed me as a person. Receiving her diagnosis and carrying her an additional 5 months knowing her life would end was -and still is- the most difficult thing I have ever done. Did it really happen to me? I felt so desperate that summer as I did nothing but pray. I couldn't do anything else. I recall that I never asked God to save her or heal her. I just prayed for her. In tragic situations, that's all we can do. It's been two years since we lost her. I am 34 weeks pregnant with my second healthy son! Now that I have had time to grieve and to enjoy Steven (who is almost 16 months old), I continue to feel that God chose us for this path. We were meant to lose a daughter, and that's okay. I know in my heart that He has a plan. I trust in His plan! And I will see Kassidy again one day!!!

I always felt that when my daughter died, a part of me died with her. Only recently have I realized that when she was born, a part of me was born too! I am much closer to God, much more trusting and I know when my strength fails, He is there.

I pray that my delivery with Beau goes smooth, both God and Kassidy will be watching over our little family.
 

December 5, 2014 - Holidays & awaiting Beau's arrival!

Christmas is just around the corner and I find myself getting so excited for Steven to make his first childhood memories. He finds and points at the Elf on the Shelf (ours is named Hermey), pulls ornaments off the tree and places them in a different spot and will also look out of the car window to see Christmas light decorations. Just a few days ago, he visited Santa...it didn't go as well as last year, haha!


Steven is almost 15 months old now. He says more and more words each day, but the most frequent ones we hear are "Mama, Dada, Ball, Bite, Dog, Mmm (meaning 'Moo')" He will tap on the pantry door when he wants snacks, crawl through the dog door when he wants to go outside, and loves to make messes for mommy!

  

Beau is due in 75 days! It's hard to believe we are 3/4 of the way done with the pregnancy, but I feel much more excited about having a baby this time around. When I was pregnant with Steven, I had never experienced a "good outcome" birth or taken a baby home. Now that I've gone through a year with a baby and have proven to myself that it IS possible to be happy after loss, I am SO excited for Beau to arrive! My pregnancy with Steven was full of worry, this pregnancy has been full of joy. We are adding some finishing touches to Beau's nursery nowadays and organizing his clothes. I have a baby shower next month with my sister-in-law who is also expecting a boy 5 days after me!

I dearly miss Kassidy around the holidays. Since her passing was in November, I was still very much in the worst stage of grief around the time I wanted her closest. I do feel that she watches over us daily and that Steven and Beau wouldn't be here without her existence. A few days ago Stevie and I set up  a solar Christmas tree for her at her grave. It has purple and blue ornaments and stands about 2 feet tall, I'm so glad we can leave something beautiful for her.

November 5, 2014 - Happy 2nd Birthday Kassidy

My daughter. My only girl. My first baby. You were my sweetest hello and my hardest goodbye. Reflecting on my pregnancy with you and your birth brings me such bittersweet emotions even two years later. The pain of loss is just as strong, although as days pass I find myself distracted by how life has seemed to continue. I sit here with my 13 month old son napping nearby and my pregnant belly full of kicks by a new son arriving in 15 weeks. How can I be so happy today but so sad about yesterday?

For the first time in months I brought out your box of things. One glance and I began crying - your blankets you were wrapped in sat in sight. The proof you were there, your blood still stains them but your baby smell is gone. I remember your purple lips, your soft skin and that you had your daddy's feet. TWO YEARS. How is it possible it has been this long?

Whenever I pray, I always thank God for you. I thank Him that I was blessed with the daughter I always wanted, that I had a chance to hold you as a baby and not lose you as a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I have pictures of you. You have watched over your daddy and me as we have been blessed with two of your brothers...many more to come I am sure. Not a day goes by that I do not miss you, I will never forget you.

{ To celebrate Kassidy's birthday, we are releasing balloons at 4:16pm, the time she was born, and sharing cake with family at the cemetery. If you cannot attend, please light a candle for Kassidy }

 Little brother Steven, 13 months old
 Little brother Beau, due February 18, 2015

September 22, 2014 - Another Rainbow BOY!

We are so excited to announce that we are expecting another BOY! Baby Beau Martin Johnston is growing right on track and weighing in at 9 ounces. He is showing to be perfectly healthy according to my 2nd level ultrasounds at the specialist. Stevie, Steven and I are thrilled! I am almost 19 weeks along with Beau and am happy that my boys will be just 17 months apart.

Another happy announcement: Steven turned 1 year old! We celebrated on September 20th with a party at our house. Steven enjoyed opening his presents and digging into his very own cake. As I reflect on the past year, transitioning from a grief-stricken mother to caring for a rainbow baby who has very much healed my heart, I can't believe the life God has blessed us with. God has a plan for us, and as we see His work in our lives, I am so excited to see what will happen next!

July 11, 2014 - Another Rainbow Baby!!!

I've been meaning to post an update for a few weeks now, and I'm finally sitting down to announce that we are expecting another rainbow baby! Steven will be a big brother and Kassidy is surely looking after us again. We've had 2 ultrasounds so far and the baby is growing right on a track with a healthy heart rate of 171. The first trimester, for me, is always very stressful. I don't have the relief of seeing that my baby has a round head quite yet. In addition, Dr. Connors is out on her own maternity leave. She was such a comfort during our journey with Kassidy and also calmed my nerves during my pregnancy with Steven. Going through the fearful first trimester without her is harder than I expected. The doctors I've seen so far don't seem to have a grasp on how I'm used to going about things...such as blood tests to check HCG/progesterone and regular ultrasounds in the beginning to give me peace of mind that a miscarriage is off the table, etc. I still fear a miscarriage since my first pregnancy resulted in one. I'm told Dr. Connors will return in the fall, so I just pray and spend time reflecting on how grateful I am that I have another baby on the way. I have also been thinking about Kassidy a lot. Some nights I just sit in bed awake and remember what it felt like to get her diagnosis, plus what it felt like to hold her for 21 hours. My symptoms this time around have been nearly identical to what I felt with Kassidy...which makes me think 2 things: 1) I suspect we are having a girl and 2) it makes me scared for defects.



On August 6th we have an appointment with the specialist (the same doctor we saw for Kassidy's official diagnosis and also for good news that Steven was healthy). At that appointment they will be able to see if this baby is okay, plus screen for several other defects. Only 26 days to go....not that I am counting. I'm taking my prescribed 4mg folic acid, PLUS a regular prental and since my progesterone is a bit low, Prometrium (although I can stop taking that in 6 days).

Nowadays, Steven keeps me busy. He will be 10 months old in a few days, and loves to walk assisted. He will cruise around our furniture all day long....however he doesn't seem interested in crawling whatsoever. He loves orange juice, graham crackers and peanut butter - like Daddy. He also enjoys the pool and the snowman Olaf from Frozen. We've been going to the library for story time for a few weeks now, and he will clap and steal the show when we sing songs. He's turning into quite the explorer. With his birthday coming up in just 2 months, it gets me excited to plan a little party and cake for him.