March 18, 2014 - Out of Nowhere

I'll admit, some days are easier than others. There are times I go months without crying about Kassidy, but this past week I have felt emotionally overwhelmed. I've cried every day this week missing her, looking at her pictures, visiting her grave, talking to her. And then we finally received her baptismal certificate. The certificate itself didn't make me upset, but rather the letter from the priest that was enclosed. It was a generic letter that is given to the recipient, highlighting the importance of baptism, etc. The last paragraph tells parents to keep it in a safe place as the child will need it for other sacraments...confirmation, marriage...and then I was reminded that my daughter would never get to do those things.

On a lighter note, our rainbow baby Steven is now 6 months old! He is sitting up, rolling over and developing his own little personality. He enjoys watching our dogs walk around the house and petting them...he spends most of the day scooting around in his walker and loves being outdoors. Here he is with his cousin, Samantha!

February 16, 2014 - Fear Conquered

I told my mom recently that when Steven was first born, I felt like it was 90% work and 10% fun, due to an overly fussy baby and suffering postpartum depression. Now, he is 5 months old and I can say it now seems like 90% fun and 10% work. Life has gotten progressively easier, and thinking about Kassidy brings me 90% happiness and 10% sadness. I choose to look at my memories with her, carrying her and enjoying her kicks, keeping her ultrasound pictures in a photo album, and eventually passing down some of her clothing to our future daughters. I would never say that the pain goes away, it doesn't...but Kassidy is watching over me and helping me to reach my own kind of normal.

A few weeks ago I attended a baby shower- for a GIRL. It didn't hit me until half way through the festivities that I would be watching the mommy-to-be open pink gifts and seeing frilly socks and purple blankets. It was like I got a glimpse of what it would have been like to have a girl baby shower to celebrate my daughter. It held back tears and tried to distract myself. I cried when I told me husband about my feelings later that afternoon. Fast forward to February 8th, baby Olivia was born. Again, without thinking about what I was doing, I held her. I held a GIRL for the first time since Kassidy. I had only ever held Steven since Kassidy. I surprisingly felt...okay. It was easier than I anticipated, and I had overcome an internal fear at the same time!

I will be an aunt in the next few weeks...to a niece, yes, another girl. I am very excited to be an aunt and to spoil baby Samantha (and my nephew Ehan due in May). Life is still moving forward...

I received our Kassidy Bear from Molly Bears this past week. I had waited over 14 months for this bear that weighs exactly what Kassidy weighed - 2lbs 11oz.

Coming up in our lives...buying a new home. This should keep me busy, if baby Steven wasn't already :)

January 11, 2014 - On My Mind

I've been thinking about Kassidy a lot lately. I had family here visiting recently and I brought out all of Kassidy's pictures to show them...it brought back a lot of memories as well, some I hadn't realized I had tucked away in my mind. I recall when Stevie baptized her, it was the first time we were left alone in the hospital room as a family of 3, and it was quick - but beautiful. The holy water fell down her cheek resembling a tear. I burst out into my own tears of sadness for her life. I also recall those first few days at home without her, recovering from a birth, but empty handed as I lay in bed. Two days after her passing, I drove myself to Walgreens to buy sleeping medicine and to pick up some pictures I had developed of her. Even looking at her pictures then, it seemed unreal what had just happened to us. Even now it seems like a bad dream.

Now, 14 months have passed. I see women on my online support group whose unborn babies have recently been diagnosed with anencephaly and they are begging for help. I was her. A new emotion surfaces for them: jealousy. Why am I jealous of them? They are hurting and confused. I am now healing and grieving. Perhaps I am jealous that they are still carrying their angel, and that I am not. Maybe that they still have several weeks or maybe months with their child, but my time has run out. Grief is so unfair. It strikes you out of the blue.

My rainbow baby, Steven, is as healthy as I would have ever wished for. He brings me happiness and laughter, he is perfect. In fact, tomorrow it will exactly one year since I found out I was pregnant with him!
Here we are on Christmas visiting big sister: (he is 3 1/2 months old in this picture)

We are praying for a great year - we are looking to buy a house (we've been in a rental since July). Perhaps God will bless us with another rainbow, we will see. 

November 22, 2013 - Life with a baby, after losing a baby

Baby Steven (a.k.a. Little Stevie) is such a blessing. As I've gotten the hang of things with him over the past 2 months, I am reminded what is important in life. I am grateful to have a husband that works hard so I can stay home with this little hunk of love all day. Everything he does is amazing, and when I notice him do something new for the first time, I get so excited!
Steven's first Thanksgiving is next week, and then Christmas! Yesterday we bought him a blue stocking that reads "Baby's First Christmas." It is hanging right next to Kassidy's stocking (Santa fills hers with items we take to the cemetery, garden decor and stuffed animals).
This time last year, I was sad at the holidays because I knew Kassidy should be with us. This year is completely different. I feel happy and know Kassidy is the reason I can be happy now - she looked after us so that we had a healthy baby this year. 2012 and 2013 are polar opposites. I wonder what 2014 will bring!

 

November 5, 2013 - Kassidy's 1st Birthday!

First of all, wow- today was terribly difficult to go through. It felt like I relived her birth and passing all over again. I woke up to messages from friends wishing Kassidy a Happy Birthday and pictures of candles they had lit in her honor.

Last night, I made a cake for her. Making a cake for her made me feel like I was doing something in her memory that I could share with my family. Buying a cake would not have had the same "healing" effect on me as this would have. We met family at the cemetery at 4:00 to have a little birthday "party" for Kassidy. I decorated her headstone with different pink items, a picture of baby Steven, and a cross I had painted and decorated for her the day before. Of course, we brought balloons to release at 4:16pm (the time she was born). We had markers and few family members wrote messages to her on the balloons. At 4:16pm, I handed out the balloons to my family and we all counted down "3, 2, 1" and let them go. I watched at they floated and disappeared.

I can't believe it's been 365 days. I counted last night and found that the days between the the moment I found out I was pregnant until her birthday was 211. It seems like nothing. I sure do look forward to spending eternity with her one day.

November 4, 2013 - Steven & Kassidy (1 yr old tomorrow!)

If you are following me from my old website, you can see that I have copied and pasted all of my past blog posts below. Steven William III is now 7 weeks old, and such a joy!

Steven, 5 days old, with his rainbow blanket.

Our little family.

Kassidy watching over him...

Steven arrived on Saturday, September 14, 2013 at 2:30pm. He was 8lbs 15 oz and 21 inches. 

It was a perfect labor and delivery, everything went quick and just how I would have hoped. Kassidy's presence that day was evident: I had the same nurse, Kristen, that I had when I delivered Kassidy. Kristen told me that it was a miracle I was able to get her as she only worked 2 days a week there! 

The day after I had him, I was sitting in my postpartum room and just began balling. My nurse walked in, saw I was crying and asked me why. I couldn't answer. I didn't know why I was crying. I had everything I ever wanted, but I couldn't stop crying. She knew I had a stillborn daughter just 10 months before - she didn't know the specifics- but she worded it perfectly. "You are upset because you are finally seeing what you missed out on when you lost her."She was right. 

The following weeks after we brought Steven home were not what I imagined. I found myself much more tired that I anticipated, had trouble breastfeeding (things have gotten much better since...), and had horrible baby blues. I got little sleep even when I had the time to sleep, because I was worried about SIDS. During the day, I had people calling me to bring him places so they could see him, but frankly I was just too exhausted and overly sensitive about anything someone would say about how I was taking care of him. My hormones were getting the best of me. 

Now that Steven is almost 2 months old, I am finally feeling like I have a routine and the confidence to know I am doing a good job caring for him. Steven was baptized at 2 weeks old at our beloved church, St. Anne. Shortly after, the priest, Father Juan, that spoke at Kassidy's funeral, gave Steven a blessing. A few weeks later, Father Sergio, the priest that came to the hospital and saw Kassidy and kissed her face, told us that Steven was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. 

Being a stay-at-home-mom is wonderful, I am so fortunate to have a husband that supports me and wants me to care for our baby at home. It is also one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I commit my time, 24/7, to caring for this small helpless little human...sure when you are pregnant you know this, but you really don't realize how difficult this can be (sometimes on 2 hours of sleep!).

Tomorrow is a big day - It is Kassidy's 1st BIRTHDAY. I've been both dreading and looking forward to this day for so long. We have invited family to meet us at the cemetery for birthday cake and a balloon release at 4:16pm (the time she was born). This past weekend Stevie and I bought the traditional "1" napkins, pink plates and forks...along with some decoration we can outline her headstone with. There is a part of me that is looking forward to celebrating her life, instead of mourning her death. However, how can I not mourn her death all over again on this day? IF she were here, she would be walking. She would be eating cake. She would be learning about her baby brother. Tears are running down my cheeks as I type this. Please pray for me. I was in the hospital for days leading up to her delivery, so the past few days have brought back memories of what happened each day while I was there. For example,a year ago today I was given pitocin and an epidural. 

If you would like to participate in our celebration of Kassidy's 1st birthday, please light a candle for her tomorrow. 

Kelsey

July 8, 2013 - Still Healing

I woke up in tears this morning upon realizing that the 5th of the month had come and passed…and I didn’t even realize it was Kassidy’s 8 month birthday. I have been so preoccupied lately with packing and moving from our home that we recently sold, and preparing for baby Steven and it didn’t dawn on me that it had been an entire eight months! I paused for a moment and thought back to Friday, July 5th. I remember thinking on that day that I wanted baby Steven to be born in exactly 2 months, on September 5th, so that he was exactly 10 months behind his sister – but in an odd way, I didn’t have the separate thought of Kassidy’s birthday. I stopped crying when I knew this wasn’t a mistake. Kassidy wanted me to have a happy thought instead of a sad one that day.

At work, my office manager emerged from a close-door meeting with a woman I had never seen before. I was introduced to my replacement! I would, in a matter of a few weeks, be a stay-at-home-mom…and my work was looking for a new coordinator for me to train before I left. It all seemed overwhelming. Am I really that close to having my rainbow baby? It’s a weird feeling that I wouldn’t work anymore, and instead have my own healthy baby at home. It’s a dream come true!

This past Saturday, Stevie and I attended an Infant Baptism Class for when we have Steven III baptized (which will most likely be September 28th). Again, I felt overwhelmed with emotion knowing what we were getting ready for. The Baptism Coordinator heard about Kassidy, and that we had baptized her in the hospital ourselves. He offered to make Kassidy a baptismal certificate! We are beyond grateful, and look forward to receiving this.

The past few months, I’ve been dealing with conflicting information from Kassidy’s cemetery on what decorations I am allowed to lay at her headstone. It’s a long story that I’m not going to share here, but that (as silly as it is) has been my main struggle emotionally. I wish I were able to leave gifts for her without the cemetery throwing them away. From what I’ve read in the cemetery’s regulation booklet, I can’t leave anything unless it’s a holiday or if it’s stored in an in-ground vase. At the time of Kassidy’s burial, we declined the in-ground vase because I felt like it was invading her resting place. It was a personal decision. Now, 8 months later, I feel like I am being forced to elect for a vase JUST so I can leave flowers for my daughter. I never thought I wouldn’t be allowed to leave a simple plastic windmill for her. Please pray for me to come to acceptance and peace with their regulations…

Here is a picture from last weekend at San Diego – I was 28 weeks along.