If you are following me from my old website, you can see that I have copied and pasted all of my past blog posts below. Steven William III is now 7 weeks old, and such a joy!
Steven, 5 days old, with his rainbow blanket.
Our little family.
Kassidy watching over him...
Steven arrived on Saturday, September 14, 2013 at 2:30pm. He was 8lbs 15 oz and 21 inches.
It was a perfect labor and delivery, everything went quick and just how I would have hoped. Kassidy's presence that day was evident: I had the same nurse, Kristen, that I had when I delivered Kassidy. Kristen told me that it was a miracle I was able to get her as she only worked 2 days a week there!
The day after I had him, I was sitting in my postpartum room and just began balling. My nurse walked in, saw I was crying and asked me why. I couldn't answer. I didn't know why I was crying. I had everything I ever wanted, but I couldn't stop crying. She knew I had a stillborn daughter just 10 months before - she didn't know the specifics- but she worded it perfectly. "You are upset because you are finally seeing what you missed out on when you lost her."She was right.
The following weeks after we brought Steven home were not what I imagined. I found myself much more tired that I anticipated, had trouble breastfeeding (things have gotten much better since...), and had horrible baby blues. I got little sleep even when I had the time to sleep, because I was worried about SIDS. During the day, I had people calling me to bring him places so they could see him, but frankly I was just too exhausted and overly sensitive about anything someone would say about how I was taking care of him. My hormones were getting the best of me.
Now that Steven is almost 2 months old, I am finally feeling like I have a routine and the confidence to know I am doing a good job caring for him. Steven was baptized at 2 weeks old at our beloved church, St. Anne. Shortly after, the priest, Father Juan, that spoke at Kassidy's funeral, gave Steven a blessing. A few weeks later, Father Sergio, the priest that came to the hospital and saw Kassidy and kissed her face, told us that Steven was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.
Being a stay-at-home-mom is wonderful, I am so fortunate to have a husband that supports me and wants me to care for our baby at home. It is also one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I commit my time, 24/7, to caring for this small helpless little human...sure when you are pregnant you know this, but you really don't realize how difficult this can be (sometimes on 2 hours of sleep!).
Tomorrow is a big day - It is Kassidy's 1st BIRTHDAY. I've been both dreading and looking forward to this day for so long. We have invited family to meet us at the cemetery for birthday cake and a balloon release at 4:16pm (the time she was born). This past weekend Stevie and I bought the traditional "1" napkins, pink plates and forks...along with some decoration we can outline her headstone with. There is a part of me that is looking forward to celebrating her life, instead of mourning her death. However, how can I not mourn her death all over again on this day? IF she were here, she would be walking. She would be eating cake. She would be learning about her baby brother. Tears are running down my cheeks as I type this. Please pray for me. I was in the hospital for days leading up to her delivery, so the past few days have brought back memories of what happened each day while I was there. For example,a year ago today I was given pitocin and an epidural.
If you would like to participate in our celebration of Kassidy's 1st birthday, please light a candle for her tomorrow.
Kelsey
I am lighting a candle today. For Kassidy. ; )
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