It’s holiday season, and each day I struggle with the thought of Christmas without Kassidy. Every store I go in has baby clothes that say “My First Christmas.” It’s not fair. This week has suddenly become more difficult that the past three weeks combined. I’m not sure why.
On Monday and Tuesday of this week I visited Kassidy. I sat there are pressed my hands on the ground as hard as I could, as if I was trying to get as close to her as possible. Wednesday I went back to pick up her death certificate. When I walked up to her grave afterward, I saw that the flowers, Christmas tree and little snowman I placed there for her were scattered on other graves around her. I thought to myself, landscapers! There was cut grass covering her little tree. I brushed it off and then brushed off the headstones around her. If another parent found Kassidy’s headstone covered like that, I hoped they would do the same. Wednesday, 12-5 also turned out to be Kassidy’s 1 month birthday. A few friends text me that morning wishing Kassidy a happy bday. It meant SO much to me!!! All I do nowadays is think about her and want to talk about her. I hurts me when people don’t talk about her, or pretend this whole thing never happened.
Crying has never felt good before, but now if I go too long without crying, I feel uptight and really down. I enjoy crying now. I read in a book that grieving tears releases more toxins and can make the person feel better. I believe this!
I stare at Kassidy’s pictures ALL day. Every time I look at them, she appears MORE beautiful. I didn’t think it was possible!
I’ve gotten a lot of Kassidy’s book done, I started researching publishing companies and seem to favor some Christian publishers. I need to save money and pick a package, which is kind of a set-back. That is okay though, I want the book to be amazing, which takes time.
The website I posted in my previous blog entry has done some research and collected data from about 700 anencephaly mothers. Turns out, only 1 other woman responded stating her baby ALSO had an omphalocele! And only 11 other babies had heart defects. Considering Kassidy had anencephaly, an omphalocele AND a heart defect is really something amazing. It really puts it in perspective.
Kelsey
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