June 17, 2012 - Nine Days Later

It’s been 9 days since we found out about our baby. I feel as though we won’t feel “better” until baby has passed and I have delivered, but for now I have accepted the inevitable conclusion to this story. I feel fine physically, just tired (which is to be expected with pregnancy anyways). I think about Baby Johnston all day long.

I contacted our church this past week, and they have added our baby to their Mass prayer. Also, our priest is seeing us this Tuesday (6/19) to bless our baby. This has given us a lot of comfort, knowing our church is involved and we have even more prayers being said.

After researching anencephaly this week, I have learned more. Approximately 90-98% of mothers who learn their baby has anencephaly abort. This number surprises me, but doesn’t change my outlook on my decision at all. I wish I could find a woman locally who has experienced this and carried her baby. The thing that gets to me most is not knowing how long I will carry. Will it be only 1 more week? 20 more weeks? Will I go full term? I don’t have much to go off of. Also, 55% of anencephaly babies die during labor (if not during the pregnancy). If our baby does survive, I learned that baby will most likely be blind and deaf – due to damange to the brain from the amniotic fluid. I’m struggling with the decision if I should choose to see my baby or not…I suppose it will depend on how far along I am and how severe the abnormalities alter the baby’s appearance. If I carry past 20 weeks or so, I will have to deliver by C-Section. Before I knew of the omphalocele and anencephaly, I was terrified of needing a C-Section. Now, I don’t even care. I’m not concerned about it- it seems so petty now. Things that would normally trouble me or annoy me seem silly, I only care about the baby.

My next doctor’s appointment got moved up to Wednesday, June 27th. I will have another ultrasound. I hope to find out gender! We have chosen the name Grace for a girl (still thinking about a middle name) and maybe Samuel for a boy (again, don’t know a middle name yet).

I recall crying while driving home this week. I told Stevie that I felt bad for the baby- that our baby wouldn’t get to know us, experience things, etc. Stevie made me feel better…he said that baby will be waiting for us and we will all meet one day when it was our time to go.

I am surprised at the response I get from people when I tell them I want to carry. I get comments from people such as “Why would you do that to yourself?” or “Are you sure you want to do that?” It hurts my heart to hear this…are you asking if I’m sure I want to NOT abort my baby…umm…YES.

I am 14 weeks pregnant today. We shall see how things go. I will post again after my doctor’s appointment. Thanks for the prayers and support everyone!!! God Bless!    -Kelsey, Stevie and Baby Johnston