July 8, 2013 - Still Healing

I woke up in tears this morning upon realizing that the 5th of the month had come and passed…and I didn’t even realize it was Kassidy’s 8 month birthday. I have been so preoccupied lately with packing and moving from our home that we recently sold, and preparing for baby Steven and it didn’t dawn on me that it had been an entire eight months! I paused for a moment and thought back to Friday, July 5th. I remember thinking on that day that I wanted baby Steven to be born in exactly 2 months, on September 5th, so that he was exactly 10 months behind his sister – but in an odd way, I didn’t have the separate thought of Kassidy’s birthday. I stopped crying when I knew this wasn’t a mistake. Kassidy wanted me to have a happy thought instead of a sad one that day.

At work, my office manager emerged from a close-door meeting with a woman I had never seen before. I was introduced to my replacement! I would, in a matter of a few weeks, be a stay-at-home-mom…and my work was looking for a new coordinator for me to train before I left. It all seemed overwhelming. Am I really that close to having my rainbow baby? It’s a weird feeling that I wouldn’t work anymore, and instead have my own healthy baby at home. It’s a dream come true!

This past Saturday, Stevie and I attended an Infant Baptism Class for when we have Steven III baptized (which will most likely be September 28th). Again, I felt overwhelmed with emotion knowing what we were getting ready for. The Baptism Coordinator heard about Kassidy, and that we had baptized her in the hospital ourselves. He offered to make Kassidy a baptismal certificate! We are beyond grateful, and look forward to receiving this.

The past few months, I’ve been dealing with conflicting information from Kassidy’s cemetery on what decorations I am allowed to lay at her headstone. It’s a long story that I’m not going to share here, but that (as silly as it is) has been my main struggle emotionally. I wish I were able to leave gifts for her without the cemetery throwing them away. From what I’ve read in the cemetery’s regulation booklet, I can’t leave anything unless it’s a holiday or if it’s stored in an in-ground vase. At the time of Kassidy’s burial, we declined the in-ground vase because I felt like it was invading her resting place. It was a personal decision. Now, 8 months later, I feel like I am being forced to elect for a vase JUST so I can leave flowers for my daughter. I never thought I wouldn’t be allowed to leave a simple plastic windmill for her. Please pray for me to come to acceptance and peace with their regulations…

Here is a picture from last weekend at San Diego – I was 28 weeks along.