Happy New Year!
This week, Kassidy’s cemetery is asking that all graves be cleared off of decoration, as they are doing a week-long clean up. This past Sunday, Stevie and I stopped by to gather her things so that they wouldn’t be thrown away. I couldn’t help but feel guilty, which to a person not grieving a loss, doesn’t make sense. Why would I feel guilty removing her things? I shouldn’t. I looked around and it appeared that no other parents had stopped by the remove their baby’s belongings. We walked away, leaving only an empty space for her resting place. These days, bringing things to her grave makes me feel good. A few months ago, I was able to just press down on my belly after she kicked to let her know I was there.
The guilt of her space not being decorated was on my mind Monday and Tuesday at work. Wednesday I decided that I needed to go back and see how empty ALL the graves were to make me feel better. It was odd to see the cemetery to empty, but it really did make me feel better! It was almost eerie, as there were black birds all over the place. Nevertheless, it was still peaceful. I recall walking through a cemetery in Oklahoma with my cousins when I was about 10 years old. My grandmother lived near a cemetery, in fact just a few streets down, and we would walk around there often. I would read the headstones and do the math in my head to know how long the person had lived for. Now, I know that one date of the headstone means the baby was stillborn.
I got invited to a baby shower, which is happening tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll go. Hearing the “oos” and “awes” might upset me(who am I kidding? I will upset me). Even the games. I’m praying the next baby shower will be mine…we will see.
I feel like I’m stuck in a rut nowadays. I do the same thing every day: wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV and go to bed. Repeat. We live about 30 minutes away from our families and lately we’ve been discussing buying a house closer to them. This summer would be the earliest we would sell our home. I look forward to big changes like this. When I was pregnant, at least I could concentrate on Kassidy and plan for her birth. Now, I don’t feel like I have anything to do anymore.
The other night I was digging through my craft room / aka Kassidy’s nursery. I found a baby blanket that I had started sewing this past May and never finished. I didn’t finish because I found out about Kassidy’s anencephaly on June 8th. I threw it in the closet and never really pulled it out until now. Then I did something I never thought I’d do: I FINISHED IT! Then I made another blanket, then another, then 2 burp rags. I couldn’t stop sewing. Even now, a few days later, I’m still working on more blankets. I had so much fabric just sitting in that room. Sewing makes me feel so much better, I really wish I could just quit my job and sell blankets for a living. I really don’t think I’d make nearly enough money to justify it, unfortunately. It’s a bummer.
On a more positive note, we are officially allowed to try for another baby. It makes us nervous to no end, but it’s the opportunity for healing, I think. Stevie and I are hoping for a boy this time, but of course a healthy baby is ALL we ask now. I’m religiously taking my prenatals, 4mg of folic acid and calcium chews daily. Prayers please!
God Bless!
-Kelsey
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