I cannot believe it’s been three months since Kassidy joined God. All at the same time, time has flown, and time has stood still. Every day I still cry for her, and every day I miss her even more. It’s important to also realize that every day is one day closer to seeing her again in heaven.
Kassidy’s headstone should be placed within the next few weeks, I look forward to seeing how it turned out. Today a woman named Heidi called me from my doctor’s office. I met Heidi in the hospital the day after I had Kassidy, and she told me about her son that she had lost. She has since gone on to have a healthy baby girl. Heidi has called me a few times since I had Kassidy to check on me, each time I missed her phone call until today. Heidi mentioned she didn’t want me to think that Kassidy had been forgotten – which meant the world to me. She congratulated me on our new rainbow baby, and asked if I have looked into counseling. I haven’t…but I’m considering it more now than ever because my pregnancy emotions are on the rise. I’m at a very high risk for postpartum depression come end of September…
This past weekend, I made a heart shaped weighted pillow that resembles Kassidy. It’s 2lbs 11oz and 12 ½ inches. As soon as I finished it, I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop crying, it went on for hours. I proceeded to walk into her nursery and smell her blankets from the hospital. I sat down at my laptop and worked on her book. I’m at the part in the book of the morning after her birth. Remembering the details from those days is so painful, but I want to write them down to remember them forever and share them with other mothers who face a fatal diagnosis. I just wish it was easier…I find myself getting frustrated when I cannot remember things such as my nurses’ names, or even which days my siblings came into the hospital.
Our rainbow baby gave us a scare last night and this morning. Yesterday I noticed I was spotting, and I rushed to my doctor’s office as they were closing. It was too late for an ultrasound, and I’m too early in my pregnancy for a Doppler to pick up a heartbeat. I went home, in tears, knowing I just had to wait until morning. They said they could get me in at 8am. All night I laid in bed, thinking the worst. I kept checking and the bleeding had stopped…I wasn’t cramping either. I tried to stay positive.
8am today, on Kassidy’s 3 months bday, I had an ultrasound. Our little rainbow had a heart rate of 115, and was measuring behind. Luckily, they couldn’t see any tears and where the bleeding may have come from. The ultrasound tech said it may have come from my cervix. The gestational sac was thick and had no signs of a threatened miscarriage. Thank you God.
I spoke with a doctor after the scan, a doctor I had never met before. She said that my due date should be September 24th. I was confused. I was originally told the 20th. The reason this is so important to determine if to make sure the baby is growing right on schedule. IF the baby is due the 24th, the baby is measuring 2 days behind, which is alright. IF the baby is due the 20th, then the baby is 6 day behind, and we have cause for concern. I have another ultrasound scheduled for February 12th, one week from today, to monitor things. I feel relieved we have a heartbeat (115 is a good number for how far along I am) but a bit worried for the baby’s growth.
Thanks for the continued prayers,
Kelsey
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