Merry Christmas Kassidy, our sweetheart daughter in heaven.
Stevie and I decided to visit her both on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. On Christmas Eve we first went to my dad and stepmom’s house to visit. We were given an ornament with a snowman family on it. There was a daddy snowman, and mommy snowwoman and a snowbaby. I LOVE that we have an ornament for us as a family. I got emotional when I opened it, I love items to hold onto Kassidy’s memory, and it means so much to us to have her acknowledged.
Following our visit there, we went to the cemetery. A lot of the graves were covered in tiny Christmas trees, gifts, stuffed animals and flowers. There were families there visiting their loved ones. It got me down to think this was where we would be every holiday. I mean, I love visiting her. I just wish we didn’t need to, and that she was at home with us. Stevie and I walked up to her, fixed her things that may have been moved around, and then stood in silence.
We then went to Stevie’s parent’s house for dinner. Every Christmas Eve they host a dinner and Stevie’s grandparents from both sides attend. It was nice to be around family. We also exchanged gifts that’s night, as each one of us drew names (Stevie is 1 of 10 kids). We were all getting ready for midnight mass, a tradition the family had participated in all their lives, and for me, since I had been with Stevie. At 11pm we drove to the church in Phoenix. Once there, Stevie began looking in his shirt pocket for something. After a few seconds he pulled out a blade of grass…I was confused, I didn’t know what it was….then I realized it! He had taken grass from Kassidy’s grave earlier that day. I got all teary-eyed, it was so sweet of him! Stevie is a very quiet person, and this showed me that he was dealing with things in his own way. It made sense to us that having that there was like having Kassidy there (in a weird way). She will always be with us, but this made it better.
I expected to cry a lot during Mass. I remembered being at the Christmas midnight mass the year before, crying because I had a miscarriage just 3 days prior. We were trying to handle a loss this year too. The church was crowded, and I wasn’t able to sit with Stevie, he gave up his seat. I think this was the only reason I was able to keep it together. If I were with Stevie I think I would have cried easily. I had a few tears while I prayed, but nothing like how I thought I would be like.
Christmas day we went back to my dad’s house so that we could see more family. We were only there about thirty minutes and then went to my mom and stepdad’s house. I made pink photo albums with Kassidy’s pictures for each set of parents: Stevie’s parents, mom & stepdad and my dad & stepmom. I love sharing Kassidy with my family. It was their first grandchild, and Kassidy will ALWAYS be the first.
On our way to Stevie’s aunt’s house for Christmas dinner, we stopped at the cemetery again. This time, we brought her stocking. (Santa had visited Kassidy, she must have been good this year) We lit a candle and placed it on her grave, set a tiny stuffed bunny there and then we each opened a present from her stocking. Stevie opened a cross that I had wrapped for her. I opened a present that had a metal “K.” We arranged her gifts on her grave and took a picture. A “Kassidy’s First Christmas” picture… I ran my hands over the grass above her. I still remember exactly how she was laying in her coffin, so I knew her head was turned and she was facing south. She was laying on her back, but slightly turned to the right. I picture her peacefully sleeping a lot. All of our families live south of the cemetery, including us, so I thought it was appropriate she was facing south. This was completely accidental but pretty cool. After some time, we blew the candle out, took it with us and left. I felt very sad.
At dinner that night, I was around a lot of babies and a few pregnant women. Most of the night I pictured myself in the corner, rocking Kassidy to sleep as an almost 2 month old. When we left, I even pictured us arranging her in her car seat and covering her with a blanket. I do a lot of daydreaming like this. In a spare bedroom at our house (which would have been her nursery) I have a bassinet. About a week ago I changed the bedding in it and laid a blanket in there with Kassidy’s stuffed animals. Like a child, I sometimes take one of them in our bed with us, I place in up by Stevie and my pillows.
Oh, and for Christmas, Stevie got me a ring with the November birthstone (for sweet Kassidy). It hasn’t come in yet from the jewelry store, but I’ll be sure to post a picture of it when it comes in.
God Bless!
-Kelsey
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