It all started on Thursday, November 1st, 2012. I was having braxton hicks contractions, but noticed the pain had moved to my back. I went into work but felt awful, and ended up vomiting from the pain. After an hour, I left to head home and rest. I began to worry, I was having at least one contraction every ten minutes. Stevie came home from work and I called my doctor’s office. Their recommendation? Go to the hospital.
By the time I had reached the hospital, I had gotten sick another six times…I was completely exhausted and thirsty. I walked into Traige and got hooked up to an IV (continuing to get sick). Then I found out that I was dilated to 1. I was curious as to if they would stop me from laboring, as I was 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The nurse said probably not, just because of my baby’s condition. I was sent home after five hours, as since I was only 1 cm dilated and they needed me at 4cm to admit me. The pain continued to get worse, I used a heating pad on my back – which helped a little – but my husband kept massaging my back too…
All night I tossed and turned. I knew this was Kassidy’s moment, and God’s choice for me to have her now. I had my bags packed, arrangements made, and (selfishly) I wanted the pain to end and just to hold and kiss her. I remember telling Stevie that I’d better be at a 4cm soon as I couldn’t wait it out any longer.
On Friday, November 2nd, we drove into Mercy Gilbert Medical Center. I kept getting sick as we parked and walked into the ER. Once I was in Triage again, they checked me. I was only at 1 1/2 MAYBE 2 cm!!! I wanted to cry, However, they checked to see if I was leaking amniotic fliud- and I WAS! It’s hard to say, but they think I tore higher up in my belly and the fluid was slowly leaking. This piece of information was enough to admit me. My room was right next to the nurse’s desk.
Friday night and Saturday were a blur. I can’t even tell you how many people I met between nurses, bereavement specialists, etc. I could tell from each conversation I had with each person that they felt emotionally connected to us. They sincerely cared and wanted to make sure I dealt with things okay. As it turned out, I never cried even once during my labor or delivery- only thereafter with Kassidy.
The hospital needed to induce me, but their ethics committee wouldn’t allow it until I was 34 weeks along, which was Sunday, November 4th. At midnight Sunday morning, I was induced. I was nervous, but the pain medication they gave me allowed me to sleep and calm down. I thought I would have more free time to do things, but I had a lot of family visiting us, and I had most of my preparations done for her arrival.
Meredith, a nurse that took care of me, came in with a memory box filled with baby things. A blanket, onesie, hat, journal and many more items were in there. It was so sweet of her, overwhelming almost. How could someone I just met bring me these things?! We were so appreciative, and she had craft supplies so we could decorate the box ourselves.
Here is a picture of our memory box:
Sunday night, I got an epidural. HEAVEN! I felt so much better. By that time, I was about 5 cm. My husband, Stevie, was nervous…I could tell. We knew we would lose Kassidy soon. Throughout the labor, we chose to not have fetal monitoring. We checked her heartbeat three times during my labor, one showed her heart rate at 133, 155 and then 135. Her high heart rate got my hopes up that she would be born alive…but I had done enough research on anencephaly babies that I knew I shouldn’t be hopeful. I felt little movements of hers while I was there – this time very low. A few times I looked down and noticed my stomach appeared flat. I knew she was small based on this alone…if not from anencephaly but from being premature.
Monday, November 5th was the big day. Around noon, I was checked. I was at 8 or 9 cm dilated. My family rushed to the hospital. My parents and stepparents, my four siblings, my grandparents from Kansas, my in-laws and a few of Stevie’s siblings, his grandparents…I swear the entire waiting room consisted of us. Jean, our marriage coordinator from church, and our priest came to visit too (I’ll tell more later…)
A nurse that tended to me one day and the day of delivery, Kristen, was wonderful. She treated me with so much kindness, was attentive to my needs (especially emotional needs) and I knew she felt for us…I will mention her more as well.
I began pushing around 2:20pm, but didn’t see much progress for a while. Kassidy’s head was so small that she wasn’t coming down easily, and her tummy was bigger so she was getting caught up. Finally, at 4:16pm – Kassidy Briana made her debut! I faintly saw them catch her and Dr. Van Eken handed her to another nurse. I saw she was kind of purple, and very tiny. I asked, “Is she breathing?!” No one answered, but one nurse did say that her eyes were open. I waited and they called Stevie to hold her. Seeing your husband hold your first baby is the best feeling…I saw his love for her in his eyes, I loved them both so much. We were a little family.
Kassidy was born sleeping, I imagine she passed peacefully, as I had prayed for, and was already in God’s arms. I would have loved to have time with her, but I was okay she was already gone. Looking at her face for the first time was absolute joy. She had blue eyes, bright lips and a sweet little nose. Her ears were kind of squished, perhaps from both her anencephaly and from a vaginal birth. Her hands were clenched together. Her left hand had her middle and ring fingers intertwined (which I later learned is common in anen babies). Her feet were 100% Stevie, just as I thought. All the fears I had about seeing her with her deformities were erased when I saw her. I loved her and just as a mother would love her child, I saw nothing but perfection. She had only a few strangs of dark hair. We had originally wanted to cut it and keep locks, but decided not to. It would have been too much to try. The smallest hat we had for her was even too big.
Kassidy was 2 lbs, 11 oz and 12 1/2 inches of sweet, sweet baby. We got plenty of footprints, but not really any handprints since her hands were clenched. We called in our photographer, Kristen Self, and Kristen got right to work. We took poses of her feet with our wedding rings, pictures of her holding a rosary, even of Stevie and I each kissing one of her cheeks.
When our family came in to see her, they were already in tears. The nurses had played a chime over the intercom to announce her arrival. Everyone took turns holding her and crying, we hugged each other a lot. I hardly cried at all. I was so proud of what we had done. We had created an angel for God!
Our priest, Fr. Sergio, came to visit after a few hours. I really broke down then. He held her and kissed her face, we all prayed together. It was beautiful. Everyone stood around the room in silence…Thank you Fr. Sergio and Jean!!!
Once everyone left, our nurse Paula took Kassidy to make a “patty cake,” which is basically a clay molding of her hands and feet. It turns out really nice:
I took a shower and Stevie had some time with her. It was cute walking out and seeing him cradling her and just staring at her face. He handed her to me when I got settled in the hospital bed, and I fell asleep with her in my arms. For the first time in days, I slept quietly. She was with us, she was there for me to touch her and kiss her…but I knew it was only for a few more hours. She had the “baby smell.” I was frustraed when I would get a stuffy nose from crying because I couldn’t smell her…we ended up keeping the blanket she was swaddled in that night and I continued to keep it near me…
In the morning we called the funeral home to make arrangments. They needed us to come in, but we weren’t allowed to take Kassidy with us. We had to leave her at the hospital. I could tell Kristen, my nurse, knew this hurt me. Kristen really stepped up and said that she would be with her…she would hold Kassidy and treat her like her own. This brought me soooo much comfort. It made it 10000000 times easier to walk out of there empty handed.
We left around 1pm on Wednesday the 6th and drove straight to the funeral home. We picked out the smallest pink casket they had, and we saw where she would be buried. She will be in a section just for babies. The funeral and burial/”witness” is on Saturday, November 10th at noon. We invited family and close friends to also come with us to a a lunch immediately afterward.
Today, the 7th, was our first full day home. I woke up a few times from pain last night, and would begin to cry when I would think about her. I know she is watching over Stevie and I right now…I know she wants us to be at peace. Most of the time I just want to be with Stevie and lay in bed all day. Crying feels like the best way to deal…
I’ve been making more funeral preparations…little birth announcement cards to give to our loved ones and even deciding if we want to bury her with anything additional in her casket. We have tomorrow and Friday to decide.
We will get more pictures of Kassidy soon, and I will share them here and on our facebook page:
www. facebook.com/KassidysStory
Thank you to all of our family and friends and even strangers who have reached out with kind words and prayers. We wish Kassidy was here, but sometimes children and just too sweet for this earth…
Love,
Kelsey, Stevie and Baby Kassidy Briana
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