It’s been a little over 10 weeks since Kassidy’s birth, and lately I’ve felt the happiest I’ve felt since her passing. I’ve been comforted by God’s presence in our lives lately, He really does watch over us. I also became more aware of Kassidy’s current role in our lives. I know wherever I go, she is with me. Whenever I talk, I know she hears me. When I pray, I know she comforts me.
I bought a tiny windmill from Hobby Lobby last week, along with a garden butterfly to set up at her resting place. At Mercy Gilbert Medical Center, butterflies often represent a baby flying to heaven. When I saw the butterfly, I knew I had to get it for my baby girl. On Monday, 1/14, I was able to set up Kassidy’s decorations back on her grave after the cemetery did their clean-up. Once I was done setting the things up just as they were before, I stuck the windmill right above where I imagine her feet were. Instantly, the windmill began to spin. To me, it was showing me that Kassidy was watching me! I smiled. I stuck the butterfly up near her head.
I visited Kassidy yesterday as well (1/17). This time, I just let myself cry. I talked to her more, and spent a little more time there than I usually do. There was literally no one else in the cemetery at that time. It’s nice when you can just talk and cry without holding anything back (which I would tend to do when someone else was at a nearby love one’s grave). I was weeping, so hard that I couldn’t even see, and then I asked Kassidy to be with me – suddenly I took a deep breath and I was calm. Thanks lil lady <3
The past couple weeks, I noticed that a woman would arrive around 5:10pm every day in a big white truck. She would walk to an adult grave probably about 150 feet from where Kassidy lays. She would do the same things I would – fix the flowers/gifts there, kneel, pray and then leave. I knew she was hurting. Sometimes I want to say hi, or even ask who she is visiting…but I always convince myself not to. I’m not sure the circumstances and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I was tempted to do that same thing when I saw parents decorating their baby’s grave just two spot east of Kassidy. Would it be weird though? “Hey, your baby is buried by my baby, blah blah blah.” Yes, it would be. Yesterday I got to the cemetery before the big white truck. I quickly walked over to the grave so I could read the headstone. It was a man, born in 1988 (same year as me) and he had passed in 2009. His picture is on the headstone, and he is dressed in army greens. Based on his age and the woman who visits him, I suspect she is his wife or girlfriend. So sad. It had been 3 years since his passing and she still visited him DAILY. I supposed it’s sweet, I hope she is doing okay emotionally. I wonder how I will be in 3 years…
When you are pregnant with a baby who has been given a fatal diagnosis, and after you lose your baby, you come in contact with a lot of women who have been through something similar. It is really amazing how many women have been through horrible experiences, and yet in everyday life you only seem to hear about perfect pregnancies. A perfect pregnancy, to me, seems very unrealistic. How is that even possible? With Kassidy having three abnormalities, it would be such a gift, in my eyes, to have a baby with only one, let alone NONE at all. Lately I’ve created a habit of researching birth defects. I want to know which ones are most common, which ones can be prevented, and what vitamins I should be taking. I don’t feel like I did enough homework the first time around. I pulled out all of my pregnancy books (What to Expect When You’re Expecting -even What to Expect BEFORE You’re Expecting, Pregnancy Week by Week books, etc). I specifically looked for any mention of anencephaly, omphalocele, heart defects etc. Nothing. It angered me that there wasn’t awareness. Spina Bifida was mentioned, of course, but not anencephaly. For those unclear about the differences, here is the best way to describe it: Both are neural tube defects. Spina Bifida occurs when the neural tube doesn’t close at the bottom, Anencephaly occurs when the neural tube doesn’t close at the top (resulting in no formation of skull, and only portions of the brain). Sure, we’ve all heard of spina bifida, but NEVER anencephaly. Why? Because most anencephaly babies are aborted. Spina Bifida isn’t necessarily fatal. Another interesting piece of information I came across this week: I kept hearing the term “Acrania” when I researched anencephaly. Although I don’t have a full understanding of the differences between the two, I did read that anencephaly means that the baby has less than 30% of their brain, whereas acrania babies have more than 30% of their brain.
I’m considering deleting my Facebook page for Kassidy. I don’t have many things to post on it anymore, aside from maybe progression notes on my book. I think people that are particularly interested will read this blog instead of watching for things on Facebook. Also, I noticed that my followers are decreasing…which kind of breaks my heart, but I have no control over if someone “unlikes” the page. It was bound to happen.
I will continue to work on Kassidy’s book, she is giving me strength to tackle each day and make it worth it.
God Bless!
Kelsey
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