Baby Steven William III: Our Rainbow Baby
What are our days like now? We are approaching Kassidy’s 6 month birthday/angelversary, as well as the midpoint of my rainbow pregnancy. Most days are filled with happiness – planning for our son, feeling his first kicks, painting the nursery, etc. There are still quite a few days of sadness associated with missing our daughter. There will always be days like those. I find myself disconnecting from my online anencephaly support groups, as they are filled with new angel babies and pictures that are all too raw with emotional loss. From time to time I will check in, and see that more women are blessed with rainbow babies of their own. This warms my heart.
Last week, I visited my previous workplace and saw friends I hadn’t seen in months. One woman, in particular, approached me and asked about Kassidy. We talked for a bit, I showed her pictures of Kassidy on my phone, and I thanked her. “Thank you for talking about her,” I said, “Most people pretend it never happened.” It was so refreshing to be treated just as any new mom would be.
I visited Kassidy’s grave yesterday, I find myself talking to her like I would talk to any regular person. I usually begin by saying “Hello pretty girl,” as I sit and begin to wipe away dirt or grass that has blown onto her headstone. Sometimes when I’m there, I don’t even cry. Our baby boy has already become very healing to our hearts. It’s easier to visit Kassidy than it ever has been.
At my doctor’s appointment this week, I found that I’ve gained ten pounds! My doctor is happy with this, for me it’s shocking – I never gained anything with Kassidy. I believe this was due to stress, no necessarily her condition. With baby Steven, it’s easy to just roll with the punches and be calm every night thinking about September when he will be in my arms. I’m still having trouble sleeping, I usually wake up and stay up about two hours every night. Dr Connors says this is a combination of both my grieving and pregnancy. I hope it eases up before September because I know I won’t sleep much with a newborn. We’ve scheduled a fetal echo test at the specialist for May 31st, when I am 24 weeks along. I mentioned to Dr. Connors that the specialist wants me to return in my 3rd trimester to get checked, but I wasn’t sure why. Dr Connors told me that it would be smart, because of my history and that I will always be at a higher risk for certain defects. So that means two more visits with the office where I got Kassidy’s diagnosis. I’ll do what they recommend, I can’t help but wonder if every subsequent pregnancy will be the same.
I have a desire in my heart to work on and finish my book about Kassidy – I think about things I want to add every day. However, at night when I get home I find myself choosing to do other things aside from pulling out my laptop. It dawned on me – I’m avoiding the emotions. Even just this morning when I was fighting insomnia – I began to tear up thinking about Kassidy, then I switched my mindset to thinking about Steven and my tears went away. Is this a healthy habit? I’m not sure.
I have been going a bit crazy finding projects to keep myself busy. We are going to complete Steven’s baby registry this weekend, and maybe paint the nursery. I’m a planner, so getting his room arranged will make me feel better and prepared. We are cloth diapering him, so I’ve been stocking up on “fluff mail” a.k.a. diapers and inserts. I get really excited each time I get a package knowing his cute little butt will in those diapers one day. To keep a positive state of mind, I’m considering beginning a craft blog. In September, I will be promoted to a stay-at-home-mom, I’d love to blog about my experiences with cloth diapering, sewing baby items, etc. the only roadblock is that I don’t have internet at my house (and the laptop I have isn’t in a good condition for constant use).
That is all for now, thank you to those who follow our journey!
Kelsey
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