December 18, 2012 - Kassidy's Due Date

I’m missing Kassidy terribly today. She should be with us…today is her due date.

Yesterday was six weeks since she was born. I had my postpartum doctor’s appointment with Dr. Connors. It went well, I’ve been on 4mg a day of folic acid, although my doctors thinks that the neural tube defect had nothing to do with my folic acid levels. My blood test for MTHFR came back normal, so I don’t have a mutation where I cannot absorb folic acid. So, as it stands, I can absorb folic acid normally and anencephaly isn’t genetic in our case. All good news. I thought I would have more peace of mind, but I don’t. I worry about our future children having defects or losing them to a miscarriage like my first pregnancy.

Speaking of future children, we are cleared to try again next month. I’m excited about this, but still scared. Some parents grieve differently than others, and I feel as if how Stevie and I are grieving includes having healthy children as part of our own healing process. The anencephaly community I am a part of on facebook uses the term “rainbow baby” when referring to the healthy baby a mother has after losing one. Stevie and I want our rainbow baby.

We are doing a lot to keep Kassidy’s memory alive. She will always be our first baby. Our rainbow baby will never be referred to as our first. I’ve planned it out so that when someone asks I will always say, “__(Rainbow)__ is our second child, we have an angel in heaven.” Yesterday I visited Kassidy’s grave. I placed a tiny pink stocking there. She also has her five lavender daises, some pink and white metal daisies in the ground at each corner of her resting place, a pink Christmas tree and a tiny snowman. I’ll visit her today as well since it is her due date.

My progress on Kassidy’s book as slowed down a bit with the holidays coming up. I’ve had a lot of distractions. It saddens me when I realize I have gone a few days without typing one word, I feel guilt. I never imagined feeling guilt during the grieving period. It’s amazing how it strikes you and breaks you down into tears. You feel guilty for trying to move on…for laughing sometimes.

As always, thanks for family and friends for the prayers and kindness over the past year. It’s kept us strong in our faith.

<3 Kelsey