March 4, 2013 - NO Anencephaly

We received the wonderful news on Friday that our baby due in September does NOT have anencephaly and does NOT have an omphalocele!!! We are on cloud 9. We are scheduled to see a specialist on Friday for an NT scan/1st trimester screening. Now that I know our rainbow baby is healthy, I  feel excited to see him/her again but during a level 2 ultrasound. More information to come!

Kassidy’s 4 month bday is tomorrow, it’s really flown by. I miss her so much, and often think about her and what we would be doing now. It’s nice outside as of late, so I imagine I would be taking Kassidy on walks around our neighborhood. Every second in heaven must be a million times nicer than any walk we would have done on earth. Reminiscing about my pregnancy and birth with her nowadays seems like it was a dream. Maybe I’m still in shock that it happened to us.

I am so thankful for Kassidy. Although I am sad to have lost her, I am so happy to have ever been blessed with her.

February 27, 2013 - Headstone

Kassidy’s Headstone was placed on Tuesday, February 26th. It’s absolutely perfect (but not as perfect as her). I’m very happy with how it turned out. I got the call at work yesterday around 4:30 that it was placed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, I began crying at my desk. I left work early to see it, all the way crying even harder. I’m not sure if they were “relief” tears that it was finally there, or sad…I don’t know. I’d met a woman earlier that day that lost her daughter in January. When I arrived at the cemetery, she was there visiting her baby! I talked with her a while and saw where her daughter was, and then showed her where Kassidy was. After she left, I sat with Kassidy and began cleaning off the dirt from the headstone. I touched every letter on it and cried. I re-arranged her things as they had been moved.

On Friday, I have an 11-week ultrasound scheduled to check on our rainbow baby. This ultrasound is to specifically check the baby’s brain. So, this will ultimately tell us if the baby has anencephaly or not. They will also be able to tell if the baby has an omphalocele as well. I’m beginning to get nervous, which I feel is a natural response after what we have gone through. On March 8th, we see the specialist. Our specialist appointment will go from 7:45-11:00am. It will consist of a level 2 ultrasound, a meeting with a genetic counselor, and of course a meeting with a doctor. I feel like I have more anxiety about this than the one we will have on Friday. I suppose knowing that a level 2 ultrasound can find more means I have a higher chance of bad news there than my regular OBGYN…I need to think positive. I wish I could have “blissful ignorance” again like before we found out anything was wrong with Kassidy. I will never have that again.

February 18, 2013 - Blessing from God

“If an infant dies through some physical problem with the human body, the Soul immediately returns to the Father, and without man knowing it, there is a deep Blessing that goes to the individual carrying this Soul, a Blessing that gives strength to endure, to go on, because humanly speaking, mankind could no handle many disappointments such as this, nor could mankind be able to return to a normal way of life, unless they were Blessing from the Father, deliberately helping the mind and the body of individuals over such a dramatic disappointments or physical pain.”

February 14, 2013 - Bittersweet

Happy Valentine’s Day <3

I’ve recently come in contact with a few couples who have lost their child unexpectedly to stillbirth. While this saddens me and brings back all the raw emotions of November 5th, it’s important to remember that God always has a purpose for these events. One couple in particular that has been on my heart lately is a couple at my church. I have never met them, but I learned of their loss a few weeks ago from a mutual friend within the church. Every Mass there are “Prayers of the Faithful” and names are listed of the sick and deceased. Hearing their daughter’s name broke my heart, I recall how devastating it was to hear Kassidy’s name said out loud for months when she was in utero fighting against her odds and even a few weeks after her passing. The first week that Kassidy’s name was not said was even just as hurtful. I recognized when their daughter’s name wasn’t announced anymore. I told this couple by letter and email that week 5 after losing the baby is always the most difficult to endure, as that is when family and friends begin to disappear and the baby’s name isn’t mentioned anymore. It’s also when the “shock” phase wears off and you feel completely alone. You feel like every one has moved on while you are still crying every opportunity you get. I made a discovery last week – week 12 is JUST as difficult as week 5. Finding words to describe the emptiness you feel at week 12 is impossible. The guilty feeling returns. Although this time is disheartening, I also witnessed appreciation and genuine love:

Stevie’s cousin and his wife welcomed their second child on February 6th. Baby Isaac is an extra special baby, because Isaac was born needing multiple surgeries to correct a cosmetic “blessing” from God. Most couples facing what Joey and Karie have to face may be angry or upset for their child having to need these operations, but I’ve seen nothing but their positive attitude. If anything, it reiterates that God hand selects the strongest parents to care for these babies. Whether it be Isaac, Kassidy or any other infant God pays a little extra-special attention to when he creates them. God is GOOD.

Two days ago, Stevie and I went in for another doctor’s appointment to check on our “rainbow” baby. Naturally, I was being a worrisome mommy and praying every second leading up to the ultrasound that we would see a strong heartbeat and discover that baby had grown. If you read the previous post, the last ultrasound showed that the baby was measuring behind and the heartbeat was at 115. There was confusion on my due date because of how small the baby was. Just after 1:40pm, we were called back. The ultrasound tech was the same woman who did the last ultrasound, and she remembered me and even remembered that our baby was at 115! Great memory! I liked her already. Legs straight, lights off, gel applied – the ultrasound began. Immediately she pointed out a beating heart. I squealed in excitement and reached out my hand to Stevie. Then we heard a healthy heartbeat of 164! I could tell from the screen that the baby had grown, and I was relieved to hear that baby is measuring at 8 weeks and 2 days! If they keep my original due date of Sept 20th, that means the baby is only 2 days behind, which is absolutely fine. Thank you God! Thank you Kassidy! We met with Dr. Connors and discussed coming back in about 2 weeks so the tech could get a good look at the baby’s brain. This is an option for us, which we accepted so we can have peace of mind about anencephaly. I don’t expect bad news, but good news means I can rest easier at night. We also still plan to meet with a specialist around 12 weeks for a full check and first trimester screening. Our next appointment is March 1st.

February 5, 2013 - Happy 3 Month Heavenly Birthday

I cannot believe it’s been three months since Kassidy joined God. All at the same time, time has flown, and time has stood still. Every day I still cry for her, and every day I miss her even more. It’s important to also realize that every day is one day closer to seeing her again in heaven.

Kassidy’s headstone should be placed within the next few weeks, I look forward to seeing how it turned out. Today a woman named Heidi called me from my doctor’s office. I met Heidi in the hospital the day after I had Kassidy, and she told me about her son that she had lost. She has since gone on to have a healthy baby girl. Heidi has called me a few times since I had Kassidy to check on me, each time I missed her phone call until today. Heidi mentioned she didn’t want me to think that Kassidy had been forgotten – which meant the world to me. She congratulated me on our new rainbow baby, and asked if I have looked into counseling. I haven’t…but I’m considering it more now than ever because my pregnancy emotions are on the rise. I’m at a very high risk for postpartum depression come end of September…

This past weekend, I made a heart shaped weighted pillow that resembles Kassidy. It’s 2lbs 11oz and 12 ½ inches. As soon as I finished it, I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop crying, it went on for hours. I proceeded to walk into her nursery and smell her blankets from the hospital. I sat down at my laptop and worked on her book. I’m at the part in the book of the morning after her birth. Remembering the details from those days is so painful, but I want to write them down to remember them forever and share them with other mothers who face a fatal diagnosis. I just wish it was easier…I find myself getting frustrated when I cannot remember things such as my nurses’ names, or even which days my siblings came into the hospital.

Our rainbow baby gave us a scare last night and this morning. Yesterday I noticed I was spotting, and I rushed to my doctor’s office as they were closing. It was too late for an ultrasound, and I’m too early in my pregnancy for a Doppler to pick up a  heartbeat. I went home, in tears, knowing I just had to wait until morning. They said they could get me in at 8am. All night I laid in bed, thinking the  worst. I kept checking and the bleeding had stopped…I wasn’t cramping either. I tried to stay positive.

8am today, on Kassidy’s 3 months bday, I had an ultrasound. Our little rainbow had a heart rate of 115, and was measuring behind. Luckily, they couldn’t see any tears and where the bleeding may have come from. The ultrasound tech said it may have come from my cervix. The gestational sac was thick and had no signs of a threatened miscarriage. Thank you God.

I spoke with a doctor after the scan, a doctor I had never met before. She said that my due date should be September 24th. I was confused. I was originally told the 20th. The reason this is so important to determine if to make sure the baby is growing right on schedule. IF the baby is due the 24th, the baby is measuring 2 days behind, which is alright. IF the baby is due the 20th, then the baby is 6 day behind, and we have cause for concern. I have another ultrasound scheduled for February 12th, one week from today, to monitor things. I feel relieved we have a heartbeat (115 is a good number for how far along I am) but a bit worried for the baby’s growth.

Thanks for the continued prayers,

Kelsey

January 29, 2013 - Rainbow Baby!

We have some big news…we are expecting our rainbow baby on September 20th!

We were a little caught off guard when we got a positive pregnancy test on January 12th. My heart tells me that Kassidy is looking out for us. My empty arms were longing for a baby, and it turns out God had a plan to fill our arms just after our 25th birthdays. We are so thankful and blessed! This baby was conceived just 8 weeks after Kassidy joined God.

Almost immediately,  I went into the doctor to get a blood test to check my progesterone levels and hcg numbers. For those that are not familiar, progesterone is the hormone that is required to sustain a pregnancy. At 4 weeks, the normal numbers are usually 12-20. My number came back at 22 – fantastic. HCG is the pregnancy hormones that shows the pregnancy is progressing like it should. This number should double every 48 hours. My number jumped from 160 to 426 – also fantastic. My nerves were shot the first week, I was worried for a miscarriage (well, I still am) as I lost our first baby to a miscarriage at 5 weeks and 6 days along.

We announced our “rainbow” baby to our families and close friends, and awaited an early ultrasound that was set for Monday, January 28th (yesterday). I would be about 6 weeks along and they would look for a heartbeat. I had been so scared to get bad news that I began to lose sleep the week leading up to the ultrasound. I researched online what I should look for at the u/s. I read that we should see a gestational sac, yolk sac, a fetal pole and possibly a heartbeat – although sometimes if the conception date is off, a heartbeat may not be visible yet.

I paid attention to my symptoms. I would feel queasy in cars and in the middle of the night, however I wasn’t sick. I never had morning sickness with Kassidy, so I didn’t worry about this. I had cravings and continual hunger. I was very emotional, more than how I was when I am grieving. I was crying over everything!

Stevie met up with me for the appointment. We were called back and an internal ultrasound began. The woman pointed out the gestation sac. I thought to myself, check. She pointed out the yolk sac.Check. Fetal pole, aka baby. Check. She kept trying to find a heartbeat. She commented on how tiny the baby was, she even said that if we had come in just one day before, she may not have even seen the baby because I was early. Stevie and the technician SAW a heart beating, but since baby was so small, we didn’t get to hear it or find out how fast it was. I still felt like this was a pretty good appointment. I am reassured baby is okay! Thank you Kassidy!!! The woman said, “One baby,” and I jokingly laughed and asked “No twins?”

We met with Dr. Connors, and discussed the ultrasound. Dr. Connors said that everything looked great, she was very happy with the results. She said that the technician recommended we have an ultrasound at 10 weeks because she would be able to see the brain then. “YES.” We answered. Anything for reassurance. We also decided that I would have the 1st trimester screening with the specialist at 12 weeks to check for additional abnormalities. Trisomy 13 and 18 are fears in addition to neural tube defects, omphaloceles and heart defects…because Kassidy’s fingers were crossed. That is a sign of those defects.

Dr. Connors must understand that I worry a lot, she offered to have us come back in 2 weeks for another u/s to actually hear the heartbeat and get a heartrate. So as it stands, I will have ultrasounds at 8 weeks, 10 weeks and 12 weeks. If all is well after that, we will be treated as a healthy pregnancy and I can drop my “high risk” status. I’m relieved I get extra care this first trimester. It will ease my stress level drastically. I also learned I have a tilted uterus, and baby is waaaay up towards my back. I’m happy the baby is snuggled up higher, it makes me think he/she is extra protected in there.

Another big moment this week: our priest, Fr. Sergio, blessed this unborn baby. He did the same for Kassidy about 2 weeks after her diagnosis. This time, my in-laws and a few of Stevie’s siblings attended. It was beautiful!!! We prayed for a healthy and worry-free pregnancy. (Thanks for setting this up Jean!)

I’m hoping and praying that this pregnancy is “it” – our healthy  baby we finally get to keep and take home with us. Each day I wake up thankful to still be pregnant with him/her. I may only be 6 ½ weeks along, but I feel a strong connection already and love the baby so much!  I know our guardian angel is with us every moment – we miss Kassidy so much…

We will keep you all posted on progress with our “rainbow baby.” We are already suspecting it’s a BOY. We will find out in April

January 18, 2013 - Smiling Again

It’s been a little over 10 weeks since Kassidy’s birth, and lately I’ve felt the happiest I’ve felt since her passing. I’ve been comforted by God’s presence in our lives lately, He really does watch over us. I also became more aware of Kassidy’s current role in our lives. I know wherever I go, she is with me. Whenever I talk, I know she hears me. When I pray, I know she comforts me.

I bought a tiny windmill from Hobby Lobby last week, along with a garden butterfly to set up at her resting place. At Mercy Gilbert Medical Center, butterflies often represent a baby flying to heaven. When I saw the butterfly, I knew I had to get it for my baby girl. On Monday, 1/14, I was able to set up Kassidy’s decorations back on her grave after the cemetery did their clean-up. Once I was done setting the things up just as they were before, I stuck the windmill right above where I imagine her feet were. Instantly, the windmill began to spin. To me, it was showing me that Kassidy was watching me! I smiled. I stuck the butterfly up near her head.

I visited Kassidy yesterday as well (1/17). This time, I just let myself cry. I talked to her more, and spent a little more time there than I usually do. There was literally no one else in the cemetery at that time. It’s nice when you can just talk and cry without holding anything back (which I would tend to do when someone else was at a nearby love one’s grave). I was weeping, so hard that I couldn’t even see, and then I asked Kassidy to be with me – suddenly I took a deep breath and I was calm. Thanks lil lady <3

The past couple weeks, I noticed that a woman would arrive around 5:10pm every day in a big white truck. She would walk to an adult grave probably about 150 feet from where Kassidy lays. She would do the same things I would – fix the flowers/gifts there, kneel, pray and then leave. I knew she was hurting. Sometimes I want to say hi, or even ask who she is visiting…but I always convince myself not to. I’m not sure the circumstances and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I was tempted to do that same thing when I saw parents decorating their baby’s grave just two spot east of Kassidy. Would it be weird though? “Hey, your baby is buried by my baby, blah blah blah.” Yes, it would be.  Yesterday I got to the cemetery before the big white truck. I quickly walked over to the grave so I could read the headstone. It was a man, born in 1988 (same year as me) and he had passed in 2009. His picture is on the headstone, and he is dressed in army greens. Based on his age and the woman who visits him, I suspect she is his wife or girlfriend. So sad. It had been 3 years since his passing and she still visited him DAILY. I supposed it’s sweet, I hope she is doing okay emotionally. I wonder how I will be in 3 years…

When you are pregnant with a baby who has been given a fatal diagnosis, and after you lose your baby, you come in contact with a lot of women who have been through something similar. It is really amazing how many women have been through horrible experiences, and yet in everyday life you only seem to hear about perfect pregnancies.  A perfect pregnancy, to me, seems very unrealistic. How is that even possible? With Kassidy having three abnormalities, it would be such  a gift, in my eyes, to have a baby with only one, let alone NONE at all. Lately I’ve created a habit of researching birth defects. I want to know which ones are most common, which ones can be prevented, and what vitamins I should be taking. I don’t feel like I did enough homework the first time around. I pulled out all of my pregnancy books (What to Expect When You’re Expecting -even What to Expect BEFORE You’re Expecting, Pregnancy Week by Week books, etc). I specifically looked for any mention of anencephaly, omphalocele, heart defects etc. Nothing. It angered me that there wasn’t awareness. Spina Bifida was mentioned, of course, but not anencephaly. For those unclear about the differences, here is the best way to describe it: Both are neural tube defects. Spina Bifida occurs when the neural tube doesn’t close at the bottom, Anencephaly occurs when the neural tube doesn’t close at the top (resulting in no formation of skull, and only portions of the brain). Sure, we’ve all heard of spina bifida, but NEVER anencephaly. Why? Because most anencephaly babies are aborted. Spina Bifida isn’t necessarily fatal. Another interesting piece of information I came across this week: I kept hearing the term “Acrania” when I researched anencephaly. Although I don’t have a full understanding of the differences between the two, I did read that anencephaly means that the baby has less than 30% of their brain, whereas acrania babies have more than 30% of their brain.

I’m considering deleting my Facebook page for Kassidy. I don’t have many things to post on it anymore, aside from maybe progression notes on my book. I think people that are particularly interested will read this blog instead of watching for things on Facebook. Also, I noticed that my followers are decreasing…which kind of breaks my heart, but I have no control over if someone “unlikes” the page. It was bound to happen.

I will continue to work on Kassidy’s book, she is giving me strength to tackle each day and make it worth it.

God Bless!

Kelsey